Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

Amrit survived.

I'm using the LJ app and it's weird.

Anyway Amrit survived the aneurysm. It was massive. 3cm and perfectly spherical, pushing into 2 regions of his brain. He had his first seizures when he was 6 and rather than find why it was happening, he was prescribed keppra  and sent on his way. Fast forward 21 years later and the seizures start again.

I knew immediately what was wrong. Well no, I thought he was having a stroke. I begged him to let me take him to the ER but he refused.

I finally got him to go to the doctor who agreed something was terribly wrong. 2 weeks later, diagnosis, sedation and 3 days of planning by a team of 4 neurosurgeons at University of Kansas. 16 hours of a complicated procedure. Koji Ebersole was the lead and he is pretty much a brain magician as far as I'm concerned. The process consisted of digging deep into his brain and using a vein from his forehead to build a bypass around the aneurysm, then sucking the blood from the aneurysm and making sure it didn't refill. The bypass veins kept blowing out so that was the worst. But once thay got the vein in place, he was golden. No aneurysm refill. Clipped and died.

I was alone when he was released to his room at 3am on February 12. He wasn't waking up. They had to do 2 scans to make sure there was brain activity.

I didn't sleep for 50 hours straight. Barely ate but drank my weight in coke zero.

I saw some things. I was in protector mode the first week. I took off work and got my FMLA lined out, and only left Amritpal's side to shower. He was on a feeding tube for 2 weeks, unable to speak which was horrific, and had no idea where he was or who anyone was or what was going on.

When his memory started returning, he didn't remember me which hit me really hard. I can't even describe the emotional trauma of your spouse not remembering who you are. I couldn't stop crying. I wouldn't let him see me cry though, I'd go to the shower for families. It wasn't his fault, so I didn't want him seeing me broken down.

I eventually had to return to Rolla which REALLY SUCKED. Again couldn't stop crying, missed him so much I was nonfunctional. I stayed with my mom because I just couldn't be alone.

But he called me out of the blue one evening, able to barely speak Punjabi. No English, Hindi or Urdu, but his Punjabi was on point. He remembered me and said just needed to hear my voice.

He didn't remember me the following day.

It kept cycling around until BOOM, remembers everything! Or seems to. He's walking almost completely unassisted now. You can definitely tell by his odd movements there was brain trauma. That and the fucking huge scar on his head, lulz.

But he's just as sassy and ornery as ever!

I looked into moving to KC but he said he'll come back to Rolla in 2 months, once intensive rehabilitation ends.

Life, man. What the hell.

Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

(no subject)

Life is good right now. Amrit is an awesome husband. He takes care of me. We're leaving for our honeymoon in Key West next Monday. I'm really nervous because I've never flown before.

The house is warm without any real effort. Just flip a switch, and heat. It's really nice to not have to chop firewood, haul firewood, order firewood, or anything that ends in the word firewood.

My anxiety tries to climb. I'm programmed now to fear winter. I lived in that house for 10 years. That's 10 excruciating winters. I was conditioned to fear winter by the second one, and the third one was even worse. By the 4th one, I gave up entirely on living in that house during the winter and moved in with my mom. But then when she lost her house, she moved in with me, so it was bad winter experiences all over again. That isn't to say that the winter I stayed with her was a good experience — it wasn't. I was still freezing in the room they had me in, but at least I had hot, running water and no fear of the house bursting into flames because of bad wiring being pushed to the limit with every space heater within a 20 mile radius.

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Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

(no subject)

It's been a while.

I'm getting married October 13 to Amrit.

There's a lot of life drama. I had to break with a friend that I've had since we were 12. His lying just... was too much. He's always told lies, but this time he's saying he has cancer so that he doesn't have to work and can have other people pay his bills. It's... too much.

There's a lot more to that.

I really don't even know what to talk about. My home life is pretty good. Amrit is going to be moving in soon. Me and Austin had kind of a huge blowout a couple months back but we're fine now. Me and Brendan are still BFFs. I'm still struggling with my weight — in fact I am afraid to even step on the scale now. I really better just do it.

So yeah, things with Amrit escalated pretty quickly. I think what helped is that I didn't go into it with rose-colored glasses on, like I tend to do. "He's perfect!!" I would say about literally every other man. But I saw Amrit's flaws right out the gate, and could live with them. I didn't immediately fall in love with him. In fact, it wasn't until after he left for summer that I missed him, and I realized... hey. This is the real thing. He came to visit during the summer as much as he could, which was usually once every 2 weeks, sometimes twice.

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Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

(no subject)

Tuesday, I drove down to Springfield and got a DEXA scan to see exactly how much fat I am. Online calculators placed me at around 40%. Friends eyeballed me around the same.



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Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

60 days.

Hooo things are different since my last post.

Sadly, Vicky and I broke up. We both bawled like babies and it's been over a month and we've admitted to one another we're in love with each other. But we broke up because he's going back to India.

Last time we talked, I was crying into the phone and told him he needed to leave me alone and let me heal. That was a few weeks ago, and I still think about him all the time.

Even worse, I immediately jumped into another relationship where I slept with the guy the night of our first date as a very stereotypically sad attempt at dulling the pain. And even worse than that? He's a really, really nice guy and deserves better than someone who thinks about her ex all the time.

His name is Amrit, and he's really funny and smart and interesting — honestly a better fit for me than Vicky was. And yet...

On the non-relationship front, I finally snapped and killed my fam--no jk. Seriously though, I couldn't win for losing. Steve would yell at me for leaving the bathroom light on and Mom would yell for me turning it off. Me, Brendan and Austin found a place together and we move in on June 1. That's 60 days from now!

It's weird to think me and Brendan are moving in together. We're such great friends now. We'll have separate bedrooms, obviously. And his friend Austin is moving in.

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    Sigrid - Dynamite
Ayu's Distance Love - Fated

(no subject)

I am doing great. Really great. Everything is great.

No, really.

My mom got a job. I'm losing weight. Work is great. I signed up for a 5k with some of my best friends. I'm dating a nice man named Vignesh (I call him Vicky).

Tonight is my first dance class since September.

As usual, I'm spreading myself too thin. I should get that under control.
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    Dua Lipa - IDGAF
Magic key.

(no subject)

I can't wait til payday, oh my word. I have so much to do.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the disconnect between past me, present me, and future me.

Past Mallory has definitely made her share of mistakes! She had plans that never came to fruition. Hell, those plans in and of themselves were mistakes. She didn't know.

Present Mallory wants to work has hard as possible not to continue to screw Future Mallory as much as Past Mallory did.

I find that when I think of things in this manner, it helps me to compartmentalize my thoughts and actions to make the best decisions.

Past Mallory, what did she do, what did she do?
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Present Mallory doesn't want a repeat of any of that. I have since grown a fear of old houses. I refuse to live anywhere the doesn't have central heating or AC.

I'm couch-surfing now. I haven't slept in a bed in months. But I have some good things going on. My friend David and I have been working on a video game. He's doing all the code and I'm doing the artwork, and I found a guy who will do the music.

I got invited to a wedding with a friend, so I bought a dress and heels for that today. I was also invited to Minnesota by my friend Matthew to check it out. That happens next month.

I have a crush on Matthew but I know it's fruitless. We're too different. I'm not even going to pursue. He is a very devout Christian which I think is wonderful and beautiful but I question absolutely everything about religion and am angry so... yeah.

It's too bad. But I can't change myself to fall in line with someone else. And I wouldn't want him to change himself to fall in line with me. He's perfect the way he is, and he'll find somebody more suited for him than me.

So present me, what am I doing for future me? Well, I'm TRYING to be better at food/exercise but am failing miserably. I'm also spending money more wisely. I've got my budget set through January. I'm signing up for the best health insurance plan so that there are no hiccups in my aftercare. I'm taking my medication as prescribed (with the exception of forgetting 2 days, and that messed with me). I plan to pay off as much of my debt as I possibly can. My car is currently $4900 left to pay off and my credit card debt is sitting at $6200. I'm throwing $400 at that in a couple weeks when I get my fitness bonus from work.

Not sure if I should just focus all my energy on paying off my car or if I should pay off my credit cards first...

But ultimately the plan is keep couch-surfing until I'm out of debt. Being out of debt will save me $800/mo and then I can find a place to live in Rolla.

Future Mallory wants to be independent.
Magic key.

(no subject)

Things are going great. My medication has helped me so much with the depression and anxiety.

I'm still doing lots of volunteer work. I'm staying with my brother Luke and Sandymom to help me with my weight loss. I'm down to 214 from 220 today. I'm trying to get down to 210 by the time I next see my psychiatrist. That's in a little more than a week. I think I can do it if I just stick with my 1200 calories per day.

It's finally beginning to cool off. This is the first year in several that I'm not dreading winter. I mean, okay, there's still some dread. But I don't have to spend tons of time frantically finding someone who will actually deliver wood when they say they will (and then don't fucking show up).

I should make a list. A list of things I no longer have to worry about.

1. Freezing to death.
2. Firewood.
3. People saying they will deliver firewood and not showing up.
4. Not having anyone at home to keep the house warm.
5. Pipes freezing and bursting.
6. Being raped or murdered or both.
7. Nobody breaking in and stealing things.
8. Nobody breaking in and just being a weird stalker, living in a room I don't go into.
9. No fire consuming me.
10. No tornado ravaging the house and tossing me into, like shards.
11. No more termite drama.
12. No more worrying about all the random cats and dogs.
13. No Dale randomly showing up to scream at me about whatever.
14. No more weird old house smell.
15. No being completely isolated.

I keep having nightmares about the farm though. And Dale. I'm so done dreaming about Dale.
Magic key.

(no subject)

Rough weekend. I think I'm spreading myself a little bit too thin. I've been taking MoonPrism orders because money, I spent the weekend cleaning (and it looks great), I have artwork needing done for the video game I've been helping on... It just feels endless sometimes. I should actually make a list of all the crap I have to do. Me and my lists.

I also don't know what to do about my writing. It's almost like I've lost interest. It doesn't make me feel empowered like it used to. I feel overwhelmed instead. I'm not really sure why. I love my characters and my new ideas, but then when I sit down to write it, it's like this flood of fear hits me.

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